In Chapter 6: The Shakedown, I portrayed the employees of the Mountain Crossings Outfitter at Neel's Gap as the manipulative, parasitic shills of over-priced fantasy garb, bullying innocent hikers into buying dragon skill rain pants and anti-gravity water bottles. This was slightly inaccurate. In reality, their wares are made out of more common materials such as GoreTex® and ripstop nylon.
That said, I did feel like I was browbeaten into spending $250 there. And I did feel foolish, sore, and violated afterwards. While the Marmot PreCip jacket I bought was light, surprisingly stylish, and reliable, the matching rain pants that came with it were decidedly less useful, particularly after their weatherproofing spontaneously disintegrated about a month or so later. The Patagonia thermal bottoms I picked up were and are super-comfortable and sweet. Ditto my Minus33 merino wool top, which had the added benefit of making me look like a preening, pretentious douche. Because, unlike most other people, I actually enjoy looking like a self-satisfied jackass. Some of the time.
In fact, except for the pants, I would highly recommend everything I bought at the Walasi-Yi Center.
Wait, my lawyers are telling me that wasn't enough.
Okay, I guess I shouldn't have called the employees there "manipulative, parasitic shills." I deeply regret this insulting and wildly misleading portrayal. Even if their insidiously clever salesmanship came across as blatantly predatory, the people of the Walasi-Yi Center are indubitably knowledgeable, wise, and helpful.
----
In Chapter 11: North Carolina, I described one of my fellow hikers – Ziggy – as a disgusting, amoral, drug-addled lunatic, and further claimed that he punched me in the face. Rest assured, however much I may have deserved it, I was not physically assaulted at this time. I apologize for the error.
----
In Chapter 12: Shin Splints Happen, I portrayed myself as a self-centered buffoon who takes a sadistic pleasure in the pain and failures of others. This was completely accurate. I deeply regret being so completely honest.
----
In Chapter 28: Max Patch, I feuded with two members of the "Party Group," Fat Stick and Dude Nozzle. Although these characters are based on real people, their names have been changed to protect their identities. And also to protect me. I think if they knew I was speaking ill of them, they would find me and kill me, or at least write scathing things about me on the internet. Also, I'm a massive coward.
----
In Chapter 30: Death by Murder, I acted like a selfish jerk and provoked Spark into punching me in the face before brutally massacring several people. None of this actually happened.
... Or did it?
... Or did it?
----
In Chapter 31: On a Rock, I told a fanciful story about having been attacked by a giant condor while catholing. This was an elaborate and perhaps deliberately silly fallacy concocted in a lame attempt to disguise my grossly irresponsible and generally gross behavior. In my own defense, I am a filthy, despicable human being. Wait, that didn't come out the way I wanted it to. Can I take that back? Sorry.
----
In Chapter 35: Silly Human Tricks, I implied that Hightower was actually Dirk Nowitzki, the German star basketball player. This was true. And I have the autograph to prove it.
----
In Chapter 51: Terrible Chapter Title, I suggested that Bandito was a fan of the Twilight series of novels. This was an egregious lie. Bandito has never read the books, and never intends to. No matter how many people tell him he looks like the character of Jacob. I can only beg Bandito's forgiveness for this error.
----
Everything else I've written has been the absolute truth, and extremely accurate. You might think there's something off or possibly contradictory about that statement, but you're wrong. You're wrong! Let's just move on.
No comments:
Post a Comment